St. Josemaria once reminded a group of young people: “Most of you here are young. You are passing through that splendid period of being full of life, brimming over with energy. But time passes and inexorably we begin to notice a physical decline; then come the limitations of maturity and finally the infirmities of old age.”

Every moment of our life is a gift of God’s love, and “love is repaid with love” – so in a way there is nothing fundamentally different about retirement, since we try to live every moment of our lives for him. But the circumstances are different. Our decisions about what to do are less channeled by our work or job, and channeled by our children in different ways, after they have left home.

Retirement and old age, of course, is not a time for “doing nothing.” We always want to use our time well. But the pace of our activities is likely to change somewhat. This can be a great opportunity to focus on sanctifying our daily lives in new ways.

Family

For a person who has been given the gift of a spouse and children, retirement is an opportunity to figure out ways of maintaining or deepening close relations with one’s spouse and children, as well as the new families of our children. This is not always an easy thing to do, because we are often exploring a new way of life, in different circumstances.

Spouse

First, for many of us, retirement and old age can be a time to “pay back” our spouses! We can give our spouse time and attention we had no opportunity to give earlier in our busy lives (or perhaps opportunities that were squandered). How many times so many of us put the demands of work first. Now, with a diminishing of the demands related to work, it is possible to offer more attention. And we want to discern what is the amount and kind of attention which our spouse would particularly like. Often, listening and sharing conversation will be the greatest gift we can give.

Working out mutually satisfactory amounts and ways of spending time with one’s spouse is key, and it is often a real challenge. We are all different, of course, and may have varying preferences for how to spend an increasing amount of “free” time. We have to resist the temptation to continually go off and do what we feel like doing. We have to cultivate opportunities to share time with our spouses, sometimes in ways that we find easy and enjoyable, and sometimes sacrificing our own preferences. This typically requires a renewal of the affectionate mutual accommodation that is so essential in a happy marriage.

The possibility of watching movies and television as a way of spending “companionable” time together can be very useful for older couples. But we may also have to make efforts to prevent it from becoming an unfortunate time-waster. If we watch movies and television, we want to keep the time limited and we want to watch shows of quality.

If there is a mutual appreciation of arts, that can be a good way to spend time together. Doing some painting, or listening to music that you both like, can be enjoyable. Reading and discussing various kinds of writing is a possibility as well. Good reading helps us to grow further in wisdom and can improve our ability to express it to others in winsome or attractive ways. (I find that good novels can be particularly valuable reading.) Following current events and discussing them (always with mutual respect!) may be easier now than during busier periods of life.

Children

Old age is also a time to develop a new kind of friendship with our children – much more a “friendship of equals.” We have wonderful opportunities to listen to them and to share with them, to appreciate their virtues, express admiration for all they accomplish. We can also encourage them (with a great deal of sympathy, based on our own struggles) to overcome faults to which they may be prone. (The general rule, which applies to parenthood generally: five or ten times as many compliments as “gentle suggestions.”)

A particularly valuable kind of conversation may be discussing the challenges we have faced throughout our lives and how we responded to them (in good ways and in the bad ways, from which we learned). When children are growing up, they see adults as “complete” or “finished,” and they usually have no idea of how much adults themselves are struggling to grow and to deal with problems in their lives. Learning about those challenges we faced as we grew up, as children and as young adults, can be very valuable for our own children (and grandchildren). It can be very consoling to our children to hear about the mistakes we made and how we tried to deal with them.

Moreover, there is likely to come a time when past roles are reversed, when children have a more balanced sense of their parents’ strengths and weaknesses, and, at some point, may even have sympathy for their parents, especially as their various powers, physical and mental, decline. This is not always an easy transition for many older people, but it can bring parents and children closer together.

Older age is also a time to develop relationships with our grandchildren – to do things with them, enjoy them, listen to them, take them seriously. We can spend time with them in a way that perhaps their parents (our children) are sometimes unable to do, because of their busy lives. And children love to hear about what their parents were like when they were young, including the difficulties they may have faced in various aspects of life.

Given the mobility of modern families, spending time with children and grandchildren may often entail travel, with the opportunity to spend some time in new places. This can be both invigorating and physically challenging.

Perhaps most importantly, old age can be a time of gratitude and petition. Gratitude for the great gift of our children. Petition for all their needs, material and especially spiritual.

Friendship

For those who appreciate friendship, retirement and old age is notably an opportunity to spend more time with their friends and to meet others who might become friends. Sometimes we deprive ourselves by assuming that friendships “just happen” spontaneously, when we could have the riches of friendship by going out of our way to meet and get to know other people. (Depending on our spouse’s circumstances and inclinations, that might be friendship with other couples, too.)

Having a lunch or a leisurely cup of coffee with a friend or friends can be a great occasion for engaging conversation, including conversation with a spiritual or apostolic dimension, with naturalness. So can a leisurely card game with other retirees or friends.

These friendships needn’t be only with people our own age. It is great also to cultivate friendships with younger people too, of various ages: those just starting out at work and marriage, those in mid-professional life and with growing children, those who are at the peak of their work lives, and those who are nearing their own time of retirement.

We don’t need to act like “oracles,” pronouncing our “wisdom” on various and sundry matters. Much of our friendly conversation can simply be inviting younger people to open up about the challenges they are facing in life. Many people today don’t have many (or, in some cases, any real) friends – people who are genuinely interested in them simply as persons – and having a genuine friend can be a tremendous gift for them. We can offer them advice sometimes, but we can also learn a good deal from them as well.

Friendship offers an alternative to becoming increasingly focused on ourselves. St. John Henry Newman observed that “There is very great danger of our becoming cold-hearted, as life goes on: afflictions which happen to us, cares, disappointments, all tend to blunt our affections and make our feelings callous.” Getting out of ourselves through friendship with others is a great blessing.

Work

We may still do certain forms of work in areas where we have worked much of our lives. This is especially so in early retirement, and we may well find ourselves as busy as when we worked full-time. But one gift of old age is that there is usually somewhat less pressure in work, because we “relativize” it more, as we see it in the perspective of our entire lives. We are less tempted to see the work, in itself, as something of vast importance to the world. The sense of “this, too, shall pass” helps us put it in better perspective.

In advanced years, we will likely not “work” as much (though, of course, we always want to make good use of our time). We can view this as the “Sabbath rest” of our lives – a time to worship and thank God more, and to delight in and support our children and their families, especially with our advice and listening and affection. (We can be a reminder to our children that work is oriented toward the ultimate rest with God.)

We live in a democratic society, but during our work lives we often didn’t have time to participate more actively in political and cultural life, apart from voting. In retirement we may be able to get more actively involved in public affairs, e.g., by attending meetings or writing letters, or even holding positions. For example, your local municipality may have various boards and groups, such as an arts, library, or parks and recreation board or a planning commission.

Likewise, your town or city or your church or parish may have opportunities for service to the less well-off in society that you were not able to take advantage of during your working years (e.g., helping out at a food kitchen), and now may be the opportunity to spend some time in those “works of mercy.” And many parishes and churches are looking for people to help out with various educational programs, which are so important for young people.

Hobbies and Other Interests

The shift from work to retirement may also be a shift from a more specialized focus for activity and reading – generally associated with the nature of one’s work – to a much wider variety of interests. We can work on picking up a new language, or learn to play an instrument, or work on various arts or crafts. (Winston Churchill was famous for painting in his old age.) If one has been fortunate enough to have a reasonably comfortable financial framework for retirement, a wide scope of possible activities may be open (dictated more by your and your spouse’s interests than financial necessities).

In early retirement especially, travel may be a great opportunity. Some of this may be to far-flung family members in our very mobile society, where so many children and their families live a good distance from their parents. Keeping in touch with visits (especially since it is so often difficult for families with young children to travel to us) can be a great use of time. But, of course, as one ages, that travel is likely to be more and more difficult.

Physical Care of Self

People always should take care of themselves and their bodies, which are instruments God has given us for living our lives. In older age, this often requires much more effort. It includes the necessary exercise and rest, and perhaps frequent visits to different doctors for various ailments, so that we can be useful instruments for as long as God wants.

We need to get an adequate amount of sleep, we should hydrate, eat moderately, obey our doctors, so that we can be faithful instruments over a longer life, if that’s what God wants.

Part of our “work” as we age is offering up the increasing aches and pains of old age, which can be small or big, minor irritations or serious conditions, chronic or occasional. My father was an internist and always took an interest in his patients as persons. He once commented (perhaps when one of his children was complaining about a cranky old person) that we should be aware how difficult it was for some people whose lives were lived in constant pain. These discomforts or pains are opportunities which, if dealt with in the light of faith, offer us the opportunity both to let our pains cheerfully pass unnoticed by others, or, sometimes, to be a small model of a Christian love for crosses (big and small) for our children and friends.

One special cross for an increasing number of people, as modern medicine extends our longevity, is the specter of declining mental powers in old age – even dementia or Alzheimer’s. As with all the great crosses in life, we simply have to put our lives into God’s hands, with great humility, and accept his will, arranging to be helped spiritually as much as we can be. What appears to be “merely” a cross may actually be an opportunity to depend on others and especially on God. It is also an opportunity for others, especially family members, to serve and, by doing so, to grow spiritually. Taking care of the very aged and infirm can be a tremendous blessing, albeit a challenging one, for a family.

Spiritual Dimensions of Old Age

It is normal as we age to have a greater sense of our mortality, seeing that our lives will not likely last a great deal longer. We can take advantage of this more frequent recognition of our mortality, the natural letting-go of mundane expectations and hopes of “success” and recognition, to turn our eyes to spiritual goals.

Most importantly, we can become more men and women of prayer, becoming more “contemplative.” Our advanced years are a wonderful opportunity to do well our “norms of piety” – the spiritual practices we sprinkle throughout the day, in order to stay in touch with Our Lord. Sometimes during our working years we can fall into bad habits of simply trying to “get things done” (that is, get them over with), in order to get back to a piece of work we want to finish. Now, as the importance or urgency of our work fades a bit, we can put ourselves more fully and peacefully into the time with God, doing our spiritual practices patiently, without rushing, enjoying these times of greater intimacy with our Father.

We are never “complete” human beings – we are always struggling to grow in virtue, and old age has its own challenges.

It can be a time when some people struggle a bit with temperance. They may give more attention than is good to satisfying their desires for fine food. There is nothing wrong with that, occasionally (with thanksgiving), but it should hardly be one of our major daily concerns.

Old age is an occasion for detachment, because, as we prepare to exit this life, we can make life easier for our children by getting rid of much of what we have accumulated over the years – that will make it that much easier for them when they are settling our estate. We can give away things we haven’t used in a long time, and are unlikely ever to use, either to our children (though you may find they are surprisingly uninterested in getting much of it!) or to a thrift store, so that someone else will benefit from them.

There is sometimes a sense that “I’ve done my work, and now is a time to relax and have fun.” Yes, relaxing and fun are great – especially if shared with a spouse or friends – and work demands may be less urgent. But, at the same time, we want to “remain useful,” serving other people and contributing to their well-being, not just focusing on our own bourgeois comfort. We want to “give back” to God by helping others, in whatever ways we can, aware that everything we ourselves have been given is a gift of God. There is a danger, amidst the aches and pains of old age, of focusing too much on ourselves. We want to turn our attention to helping others, as our circumstances permit.

Living the virtue of holy purity is often different in old age. We often have to accommodate changes in our sexual powers, which may decline in ways we regret – though we may also appreciate the decreasing urgency of unruly desires. At the same time, the importance of living this virtue never goes away completely – strong temptations may be less frequent, but there may well be occasional flare-ups, or a boredom with the “same-old, same-old.” We can grow in our understanding of a life of marital intimacy as a reciprocal exchange of the gift of self.

I think one of the real gifts of old age is that it often helps us live the virtue of humility much better! It’s commonplace for older people to look back over their lives and, even with some appreciation for the good things that they have done, see the many things they did that they regret, that they so wish they could do over. This is a wonderful opportunity to understand our limitations, faults, and sins, and to be contrite regarding them, to tell God that we are sorry, and to ask him (with humble confidence) to straighten out and overcome all the harm we have done. He can always bring good out of evil. And part of humility is to thank God for the ways he has helped us to help others.

Should we “retire from our worldly business at the close of life, to give our thoughts more entirely to God”? Our new Doctor of the Church, St. John Henry Newman, has some reflections on this question. With his usual psychological insight, he points out that this natural wish may often not be a truly religious wish. “Not for any worldly reason, then, not on any presumptuous or unbelieving motive, does the Christian desire leisure and retirement, for his last years. Nay, he will be content to do without these blessings, and the highest Christian of all is he whose heart is so stayed on God, that he does not wish or need it.” We devote our final years to whatever God wants of us, as best we can see that.

Perhaps the great virtue to be pursued in old age is hope! That virtue is defined in the Catechism as “the theological virtue by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ’s promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit.” We need to cultivate the virtue of hope, knowing that we can rely on our loving Father to bring us to himself. It is a paradox of old age that, as we prepare for our definitive meeting with God, we need to become more like children as we get older. We can put ourselves into our Father’s hands, entrusting ourselves to him with great simplicity.

Finally, as we approach eternal life, we can see more clearly the things that will pass away (almost everything!) and the things that will remain – our relationship with God and other souls. We are nearing our final, definitive embrace with Jesus. As St. Josemaria wrote in The Way, no. 168: “I was amused to hear you speak of the ‘account’ that our Lord will demand of you. No, for none of you will he be a judge — in the harsh sense of the word; he will simply be Jesus.”