The love between husband and wife is very special. Saint Josemaría thought it was so beautiful and sacred that he said: "I bless such love with my two hands, and if anyone asks me why I say with my two hands, I reply at once: 'Because I don't have four.'"1
Many people long for this love already at a young age. They hope one day to find someone with whom they can go through life together and start a family. The question is: What should you do with your heart until the day you get married? How do you deal with the longings for love and affection? Is it mostly a waiting room where you have to hang in there until the day of the wedding?
Time as a single person is anything but a waiting room or a dead end, nor is it an unnecessary luxury for someone who wants to give himself or herself in marriage and start a family. It is a critical stage in which you can get to know your intimacy in a deeper way, develop a rich personality and uniquely shape your relationship with Christ.
Sometimes we might have the idea that in marriage your personality disappears ‘into the other’, as if love were a fusion of two persons who become indistinguishable from each other. But this shouldn’t be the case. "Mature love is the union of two people who nevertheless retain their individuality. (...) Two people become one, but at the same time, they remain two."2 A marriage is healthier, happier, and rests on stronger foundations when both people come into the relationship with their own well-rounded personalities.
As the oracle of Delphi pointed out centuries ago, genuine self-knowledge is the foundation for character-building. Therefore, we need to develop our heart, mind, body, and soul in a harmonious way. That means discovering your temperament,3 your love languages,4 and reflecting on your values and role models. Personal identity is a combination of nature (our body: genes, hormones, etc.), nurture (our family, education, experiences, etc.), and our freedom. To use an analogy, nature and nurture are like the wind and the waves, and our freedom is like the sails of a ship. An experienced sailor knows how to read the wind and the waves and adjust the sails accordingly so the ship harnesses their energy and skims across the sea. On the other hand, an amateur sailor might end up in the frustrating situation of going around in circles or even capsizing. Self-knowledge leads to self-possession, which is a prerequisite for self-gift.
Building our character also means trying to focus your heart on lasting joy. Your time as a single person can be a wonderful exploration in which you learn to nurture authentic loving desires so that you are able to taste deep joy in the relationships you develop. Moreover, God also uses this time to beckon some to a special intimacy with Him through the gift of apostolic celibacy.
I would like to give you some suggestions to develop deep loving desires and to grow as a person. The first is to structurally devote time to meeting the poor, lonely and needy. Think of homeless, sick, disabled or elderly people. Or those who are simply marginalized, on the outskirts, like that ‘weird’ kid at school or that grouchy neighbor. These encounters bring a purification of heart and they are a special way to experience Christ in the other. The experience of charity fills the soul with love, which also works very effectively to redirect the off-kilter desires of our heart, as all sins are attempts to fill voids.5
The second suggestion is to regularly take time for deep one-on-one conversations with people who inspire you and enjoy your trust. Not in a group, but one-on-one, allowing intimacy and vulnerability to emerge. These kinds of encounters help you grow in empathy, gain new insights and foster authentic ideals. They also help you discover if there are blockages, traumas and issues that are holding you back from developing your personality in a healthy way and from forging deep and stable relationships with others.
A third suggestion is to regularly seek silence: moments of solitude, without stimuli and distractions. No smartphone, no music, no conversations with others, but learning to be alone in silence: to reflect, pray and focus on things that are important. This can be uncomfortable and sometimes even confronting, but in the long run it bestows patience, inner peace and the ability to make good choices.
Remember that Christ gives you a special grace to grow in holiness at this stage of your life. How beautiful it is to allow all your loving passions and desires to flow through the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary! How beautiful it is to give Christ the space to shape your personality! Not only will you enjoy your time as a single person more, but it will also provide a wonderful foundation on which to embark on the adventure of marriage or to follow Him in a celibate vocation.
1 St. Josemaría Escrivá, Friends of God, “For They Shall See God,” no. 184.
2 Enrique Rojas, Love: The Great Opportunity (Madrid, 2011), Prologue.
3 Our temperament is an inborn tendency that underlies many of our reactions to life's experiences. Understanding our temperament can be enormously helpful in daily life – at school, at home, on the job, and in our relationships. Once you know your temperament you gain insight into your natural strengths and weaknesses, your hot buttons, and your emotional tendencies. With this knowledge you can better recognize what is good for you while avoiding emotionally debilitating situations, relationship bungles and poor life choices.
4 For instance: 5lovelanguages.com.
5 Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace (London, 1997), chapter 7.
