When my husband and I married 30 years ago, I thought I had a fairly clear idea of how family life should unfold. After raising seven children, I realise that family life has indeed been a sanctifying place, not because things went according to my plan, but precisely because they did not.
God’s plan
The number of children a couple decides to have is a personal decision they make together, in the presence of God.
What led us to decide to be completely open to life, despite concerns about finances and education, were three convictions:
First, God has envisioned and loved each child from all eternity. Every child He entrusts to us is an immense privilege. As Scripture says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you” (Jeremiah 1:5).
Second, I found it helpful to remember that Saint Ignatius of Loyola was the youngest of 13 children, while Dmitri Mendeleev, who devised the periodic table, was the youngest of 17. God forbid we should intentionally prevent the birth of a child who might have done great things for humanity.
Finally, finances and education were real concerns. When the children were little, we lived simply. We didn’t travel beyond Malaysia, and the playground beneath our HDB block was the highlight of their day.
As for education, we learnt not to measure each child against a single definition of success. Every child has different gifts, and there are many pathways to flourish.
Looking back, I don’t remember our children lacking happiness because they had fewer things. What I remember is a home filled with laughter and life.
Our family outings remain vibrant and wonderfully chaotic now even livelier with the boyfriends and girlfriends who join us.
Allowing God
Over these years of child-rearing, I learnt that life is an adventure to be lived – God’s adventure, not the execution of my perfectly crafted plan.
St Josemaría Escrivá encourages us: “Abandon yourself completely. God is a Father, your Father, full of warmth and infinite love.” (The Way, 267).
Although I had envisioned myself as a stay-at-home mum, shortly after the birth of our fourth child, circumstances led me to work in my parents’ business while my husband became the stay-at-home parent.
It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, because I had always believed that children needed their mother at home to be emotionally healthy and happy.
Over the years, whenever difficulties arose at home, I would question that decision and wonder whether I had failed in my vocation as a mother.
But looking back, I now see God’s providence. My younger children, who never had the benefit of a full-time stay-at-home mum, have grown into resilient, confident, and thriving young adults. God’s plan was indeed better than mine.
Surrender
Pope Francis said, during a meeting with engaged couples on Feb 14, 2014, that there is no perfect husband, perfect wife, or perfect family.
How reassuring that holiness is not found in perfect families but in ordinary ones.
It is natural for us to look back and wonder whether we should have been firmer, wiser, or more resourceful, but I now surrender these regrets to God. Holiness lies in learning to begin again each day.
Graces
Catholics may not parent better, but we receive added help – God’s grace – through the sacraments.
Regular confession and daily Mass, whenever possible, are not merely pious customs but channels of grace.
Young parents can begin cultivating these pious habits early through devotions such as family prayer and the rosary.
Even if our children drift away from the Church in their young adult years, keep the peace and continue trusting in God, for He alone can move hearts.
After three decades of marriage and seven children, I am convinced that God sanctifies us not despite the chaos but through it. Our task is simply to trust Him, love generously, and begin again each day.