We were hanging out in the backyard one summer evening a few years ago, chatting and teasing each other and enjoying the fresh air and the crackle of the bonfire my dad had lit. Then suddenly there was a terrible smell, like burning plastic mixed with something even worse. My uncle grabbed a stick and started fishing around in the fire, and that’s when we discovered that my little cousins had thrown their rubber-soled shoes into the flames “to see what would happen.”

What happened was black smoke, a choking smell, and a smothered fire. We had to douse it and start over.

Love songs talk about hearts on fire, intensely ablaze, because love feels like a flame. Our hearts are made to burn with them; God made them to be on fire with the kind of love that lights up our lives and warms everyone around us.

But as my cousins learned, everything you throw on a fire affects the flame: the people you care about and the way you look at them, the ambitions you choose to foster, the stories you let into your imagination, the anger or joy you hold onto… It all feeds the fire and determines whether you’ve got a healthy blaze giving off light and warmth, or something that smothers you in smoke.

St. Carlo Acutis, the first millennial saint, wasn’t afraid of talking to his friends about the struggle of loving purely. His parents overheard him telling his friends not to waste their time on pornography: “The tempter puts us to the test where we might be weak. We must not be afraid, but only flee from him with resolve.” He practiced saying “no” to himself in little things, like limiting the time he spent gaming and not watching violent or explicit films, so he wouldn’t form new dependencies.

Purity involves saying “no” to some things in order to be free to say “yes” to what we really want. St. Josemaría says, “To discuss purity is really to talk about Love… The virtue of chastity is simply to say ‘yes’ to God’s Love, with an affection that is clear, ardent and properly ordered” (Friends of God, no. 178).

To be honest, a lot of the stuff around us is like throwing rubber shoes on a fire. And once those images and ideas are in your mind, they’re hard to get out. Some neurologists have even found that reading stories helps us form the habits we read about, because our neurons fire as we read. Every time they follow a particular path, it becomes easier to go down that same route again.

That’s why little things are so important, like looking away from risqué window displays, blocking explicit ads, looking up books and movies before starting them, and being ready to skip scenes or watch something else entirely. Those things are guardrails that keep your fire burning clean.

If you or your friends have already gone down that path a few times, here's what you need to know: it’s possible to begin again. It might be hard to ask for help, but it's one of the wisest and most mature things you can do. There are resources specifically designed for this. Purity is Possible is a tried-and-true program that's helped thousands of people, and it’s completely free. You can also install accountability software, and lots of parishes have support groups.

And there’s the incredible sacrament of Confession, where you can bring absolutely anything. Jesus always meets you with mercy.

Here’s something helpful when you’re facing any temptation: ask yourself what good thing you’re actually looking for. Temptation is always a distorted path toward something genuinely good.

When it comes to purity, you might be looking for:

• Connection with others, a sense of being wanted
• Escape from stress, anxiety, or sadness
• Comfort when things are tough
• A sense of control when life feels chaotic

The thing is, there are multiple paths to all of these. Temptation offers an easy shortcut (that’s what makes it tempting), but the reward doesn’t last. If you’re reading this, you probably know that already.

When you know what you're actually looking for, you can broaden your struggle from just saying “no” to temptation to saying “yes” to the good things God wants to give you through healthier paths. If you’re looking for connection, text a friend you trust, or join a group doing something you care about. If you’re looking for escape, go for a run, read a good book, or listen to a song you love.

One of the best ways to grow in the virtue of purity is through service. It’s the exact opposite of using people or seeing them as objects. Try looking for one person to serve without expecting anything in return, even if it’s a very small service. Simple acts of seeing and serving others train your heart to love purely.

Lots of authors also recommend spending time in nature, appreciating God’s creation, and with the arts. The closer you are to what’s really good and beautiful, the less attracted you are to fakes.

Purity is something you build over time, feeding the fire in your heart with good things and protecting it from toxic ones. Like with any virtue, you might fall along the way, but God is always ready to forgive and help us more. The freedom to love well is worth the struggle.